ACTION; 1hr 48min
STARRING: Channing Tatum, Sienna Miller, Christopher Eccleston, Marlon Wayans
Not your average Joes: from left, Tatum and Wayans
In “the not-too-distant future,” crème de la crème military outfit G.I. Joe dedicates its unreal talents to serving and protecting in darkest and deepest secrecy. In this classified case, the enemy is monomaniacal arms dealer McCullen-aka-Destro (Eccleston) and his weirdly enhanced Cobra corps, deadset on the usual action-stations course of global destruction.
All I can say is that if this is the near future, then you ace inventors had better get very busy: director Stephen Somers’s explosive overload is kitted out from stem to stern with sizzling hardware of the shooting and speeding variety, along with endless hyper-smooth and scarily athletic special effects. Somers (The Mummy franchise) knows his audience and keeps the wheels spinning so fast that there is little time to reflect on how little substance there is above them — like a dimwitted bikini babe, Cobra shapes up as a first-class looker with nothing much upstairs. But who cares about cerebral BS as the villainess Baroness (Miller, killing it in a leather catsuit) butts her sleek brunette head with alpha-cutie and G.I. Joe new guy Duke (Tatum), who happens to be her lost love? Not too shabby for a bunch of action figures.