ROMANTIC FANTASY; 1hr 57min
STARRING: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner
Happily forever after: Pattinson and Stewart
After years of mooning and agonising, Bella (Stewart) and Edward (Pattinson) are finally getting hitched. Oh happy day! She’s a beautiful bride, of course, although from the look on her down-the-aisle face, she could be walking into her funeral — which, in a way, she is. Not everyone is thrilled to bits: killjoy Jacob (Lautner) is fit to be tied. But heading off on their heavenly island honeymoon, the new Mr and Mrs Cullen are as ecstatic as they’re ever likely to get — in other words, not very much. Enjoy it while you can, kids, because it’s a well-known Twihard fact that Bella is about to be in for the most excruciating pregnancy known to vampire or man.
Stewart and Pattinson are so pretty and the characters they play so unremittingly tiresome that I’m invariably torn between patting them and slapping them. Since the final novel in Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight Saga is being filmed in two parts, Dreamgirls director Bill Condon’s camera has hours to dwell upon the professionally anguished pair. That should make everyone who has followed them for years very happy campers. What the living hell: it worked for me.